---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Zephyr Zia <zephyrzia@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Jul 6, 2011 at 9:59 AM
Subject: Re: forced divorce
To: Alok Tholiya <atholiya@gmail.com>
From: Zephyr Zia <zephyrzia@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Jul 6, 2011 at 9:59 AM
Subject: Re: forced divorce
To: Alok Tholiya <atholiya@gmail.com>
Dear sir,
thanks a lot for your support and advice.
with regards
zephyr
Believe me have no time to read this long mail nor experience to handle such issues so it is wrong to even attempt but I am trying with what little I understand and what little I cud gather from ur mail ( not read fully)
1. If one does not have dignity and self respect then no one can help that person. If u have self respect then u will rise above all silly and imaginary limits and will take ur own decision which will keep u happy forever. Never compromise with self respect while never breaking the law, never indulge in things immoral and illegal but fear not samaj/ society.
2. Everyone needs companion. Find them in lovely pets and others. Ur dependence on immoral and cheating husband will reduce. Now cats and dogs are called therapy pets they really keep u busy and happy. Try.
3. Mediation, honest good social activity, good music, good lectures/ pravachan, hobbies, sea side walking in saline air helps reduce mental tension and depression etc etc..
4. Be independent financially. It is never late to start for any good vocation and have ur own income. I don't know laws affecting you but most lawful responsible samaj / nation will give you even up to 50% share in husbands estate. Take it.
6. Find a good detective and collect evidence and circulate it to his relatives, bosses and business associates.
7. Never ever be angry, cause of fight, reason to turn down husband/ never ever give him cold shoulder. Go to a good sexologist / relationship expert and learn the need and ways of having warm, rejuvenating relationship. Many a times cold/ rude/angry, sick, partner becomes reason of other person going in hands of third person. Keep urself pleasant, warm, smart, ( -exy) ,well dressed, well mannered, fit and healthy.
8.Even in family where there is a genetic defect and people are bad, biased, criminals, opportunist, intolerant, selfish, mean etc etc ( u will find such families easily) but yet there r some where if u represent ur case properly and keep good relations with them then they will side and support you. Find and be close to( though few) but available persons in ur in laws family.
9. Keep and maintain relations with good, noble, influential, well respected persons( difficult to find but there r some) and maintain close relations with them. One is respected with relations/ friends one keeps. No one should think you r a lone ranger, if duped then will cry for help. If u r having prestigious status in society then no one will try to treat you as slave/ kept/ doosri, useless and never ever will dare to enjoy / use you and throw you out etc. You have to rise in eyes of samaj, friend circle, vocation, health and everything else . Consult those who can develop your personality and mind (counselor, psychologists, and psychiatrist).
10. Our media and medical world have failed to make a fact clear that gender/ sex of to be born child is based on what male chromosomes gives. Women has XX chromosome and it is only the husband who is responsible for a birth of male or female child.
Read: on net and circulate to all ur ignorant in laws: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex-determination_system
Similarly impotency and infertility are more common in male then women but for 5000 years + women alone have been blamed and punished for a girl child, infertility and other issues. Fight out this myth and atrocity by spreading correct scientific message to society.
11. Never give in to any wrongful demand. Why should your father pay for their daughter? There r such greedy people who find ways to squeeze money for girls side and adopt various means: in the name of dowery, in the name of girl child, in the name of festivals and customs ( rivaz), in the name of society / samaj, by citing an example that we have been giving to our daughter/s etc..
They don't give to their daughter out of love but because their javai ( son in law) is incapable of earning, or because there is a defect in their daughter, or because they think and expect we will be suitably compensated ( and if needed will arm twist and take) from our Bahu / daughter in law and her family. And if this does not happen then they taunt her side, insult her, her family, beat her, send her back to her parents, use her as maid ( ask her to wash her clothes in spite of maid at home and in spite of daughter in law suffering in fever and fatigue etc) .
A grooms close relatives taunts new bride what your parents have given ( for them happy loving caring relationship has no meaning but dowery has). I have attended marriages where father in law of bride in a marriage held a bracelet of bride's mother and said tu kutia budhape main ye pahanti hai , yeh to teri beti ke hat mein hona chahiye ( u old bitch u r wearing this what should be in ur daughters hand ( he is referring to a girl just married to his son), in another instance they said we will not take home the bride if u don't foot bus expenses of barat ( grooms marriage party ), in yet another instance bride was asked to wash her own clothes because in dowery they were not given washing machine, in another case brides whole honeymoon was spoilt because honeymoon expenses were not footed by father of bride, in yet another case bride was not allowed to use furniture/ cupboard as furniture was not given in dahej / in marriage by her parents and she was using her suitcase as cupboard, in yet another case a father in law in marriage function shouted on brides father that I will make your daughter sleep on floor as you have not given double bed.
Many a times boy marries a girl (very common in NRI's settled in US and Canada) to get a free maid as same r not easily available in US / Canada. In a TV show on Punjab statistics of thousands of women were given who were ill-treated and boy already had white women / another women in life.
Do u want to lead a life of slavery then give in to such greedy, inhuman criminals. For me even attending and being witness to such incidents are a crime and shameful. But there r whole lot of Indians specially north Indians even educated and qualified who treat dowery demand, wife beating, harassment to bride side , their side boy having illicit relations as part of their well accepted norms and their atma / soul does not shake when they are witness/ party to such misdeeds. And media, police, law also takes all this in its own stride. The above incidents are true and have been sad witness personally and some places I cud raise voice and other place I left in a huff.
But have u seen media raking up such issues.
Rise and throw out of your life such greedy mean if they put forward such demand of deposit against your daughter child or curse you for having one.
12. Osho says not all have atma/ conscious. Don't depend on ruthless manic person and family for love and support beyond reasonable attempts/ adjustments. You will never get love from them. If there is a love in your life / destiny you will get one who would give you but do not expect an stone to bleed or have a life. So the moment you find you are breaking your head against wall stop doing it. But yes if he is willing to change, goes for counseling, agrees in writing on affidavit / before panchas/ court and gives undertaking that he will behave responsibly, give you love and care, live within well accepted social norms and laws then may be you can give last try.
However for some father in law, mother in law others a happy marital family life is less important then greed for gold, money, gifts, dowery, or false samaj pride (like forcing child to marry another innocent person instead of the one he/she loves desperately) and they will use such words / do such deeds which will bring miseries in their child's life and another innocent family like yours will get unnecessarily affected badly.
There are some middleman who make and break marriages not for seeing some one happy but for their vested interests like a jealous cousin strongly recommends some bad proposal to see that it gives ashanti / snatches away peace of relative who are more successful and happy. There are others who want to become dalal by taking control of marriage expenses and making few lacs. I know of a jeweler who recommended a match very strongly only because they thought that bride side will pour lot of orders being under obligation and when this did not happen they started spoiling marriage by firing small young pretty girls when they were doing a prank/ play as per hansi majak rivaj of shoe hiding of groom. And continued to assault her life instead of taking in hand charge and responsibility of marriage which was getting spoilt and which was based on their strong recommendation and in utmost good faith reposed in their word and relationship . God does not spare such people for long but yes temporarily they get kick in their sinful sad heart like a drug addict gets.
…..Alok
Getting late for office hence cant complete and if I don't take breakfast immediately then ( I suffer from Hypoglycemia) so rushing for breakfast and then to office....
On Sun, Jul 3, 2011 at 2:07 PM, Zephyr Zia <zephyrzia@gmail.com> wrote:Dear sir/madam,I had gone through your blog. Then I felt I can share my problems with you and you are a suitable person to help me in my problem by giving proper advice.I got married in 1999 which was an arranged marriage. After the engagement, those people asked 100 sovereigns, one lakh rupees and all house hold things(from bed to broom) as dowery(Before engagement they told they will never ask dowery which impressed us.). As we already invited all our friends and relatives for marriage, it was a risk to quit from this marriage considering the social situation in india, especially for muslim community. After marriage those people where torturing me physically and mentally and asking more and more in the form of money and other things from my parents. I am an educated girl(M.Sc., B.Ed., PGDCA) and used to write poetries in magazines. But they were not ready to send me for a job and ordered me to stop writing. After the birth of our daughter, they were torturing me for giving birth to a girl and were compelling my parents to deposit a fixed amount in bank for this child's marriage expenses and provide them the documents. They started cruelty towards my daughter also. This made me depressed and I became completely paralysed and admitted in hospital. After the treatment for many months, the doctor adviced to send me for a job and to stay back with my parents for some period of time for a mental relief. Then they asked divorce from me and their reason was that I blamed husband and his family in front of his relatives and neighbours. I was ready for divorce and we divorced on 2003. But after divorce also he was harrasing me in many ways like beating my father and brother on public place(my brother's hand got fractured once and my father's bp shot up dangerously and needed to hospitalize), spreading gossips against me in my working places and neighbourhoods, trying to kidnap my daughter and blackmail me in that situation to withdraw the case against him for maintanence after divorce. I started searching job abroad to escape from his harrassments. As the judgement of maintanence case was favouring to me, he filed another case in family court for the custody of the child. (But from 2003 to 2007 he has never asked even to see the child even for a while.) In between these incidents I got a job in Dubai and left to Dubai with my daughter. As I could not attend in court, an ex-party judgement came to provide the child for father for one month whenever we come to india during child's vacations. I was not aware of this judgement.One of our close family friends who knows me from our childhood and knows all my stories (he was also a divorcee and works in Dubai) came willingly to marry me. As I know him very well and he was caring my daughter that much, I also admitted for the marriage. The main reason was that my daughter was so depressed that all her friends have fathers. (She always compelled me to buy a caring and loving father for her.) She was also happy to accept this person as her father. He is a person who does not like to give birth to a child and I felt this as a positive thing for my daughter's feelings. We married in 2008 and started living together in Dubai. Although my ex-husband married immediately after our divorce and he has two children now, my marriage provoked him. He tried to harrass me in many ways but my present husband was so supportive and he gave me and my daughter all courage to face everything. We lived these three years so happily. He gave us all happiness, support and care. Considering my job tensions, he adviced me to quit job and told me that we can live lavish with his salary only and why should I take the risk without getting time to care the happiness of family life. But at the same time, he is such a man who wants to enjoy the sexual life with whoever ready to share it with him. Although he will not work a lot for this, if he feels a girl will be willing if he try, he will try to impress that girl and will share bed with that girl. And he expects that I should not say anything against this. But sometimes I cannot control myself and if I show any hesitance, he will become extremely angry. But we were able to manage such fights without bringing it out of our bedroom and his care and love towards me and my daughter convinced me to forget all problems. Besides these problems, his parents and siblings were always compelling him to divorce me. They were trying all their ways to make him divorce me.The present situation is that my husband did not renew our visa after its expiry and sent us back to India. He told me just to stay with my family for a while which will give me mental relaxation and he will bring us back after some months. After I arrived here, he forces me for a mutual consent divorce. He says he has no time to fight through court, so I should support him for a mutual divorce. At the same time his parents started gossiping against me with the support of my ex-husband. They spread gossip in the most vulgur ways and it affects me and mainly my daughter mentally. I also fear it will affect my daughter's future socially and psychologically. When I shared these with my husband, he says he is not concerned about our problems. The reasons he produce for divorce are as following.a) he needs the life of a free bird. He should be free from all responsibilities of a husband, father, etc.b) I am trying to control him from all his relations and I need to possess him only as mine. My ego that I am his wife makes me to be like this. So if a husband-wife relationship is not there between us, I will not try to possess him only as mine. (He has a vast friendship range and all of them know that I never interfere in his friendships in a negative way and I am also so friendly with all of them. I only interfere when his illegal physical relationships affects our family life.)c) Because he needed to take care of me and my daughter, he lost his three years of enjoyment as a bachelor.d) He does not want to marry anyone henceforth and wants to enjoy with whoever he likes whenever and needs the freedom to leave without any liabilities when he feels bored. He says after divorce, he is ready to consider me also in that way so that I will not go behind him with a wife's right.e) I may suicide or will kill him and he does not want to face such situations and needs to enjoy his life as much as he can without facing any risks or problems. (It is true that once I told him in a depressed mood that I will suicide or kill him if he continues multiple relationships in front of me. But I feel, it is normal from a wife in such situation. When I felt that my such words hurt him, I asked him that I need to consult a psychologist to reduce my depression and I was seeking help from a professional also. The doctor prescribed an antidepressant for some months and told me that as I have previous experience of the harrassment of husband, it is likely to be depressed easily, so this medication will help me to become bold on such problems.) Now he says that I am a mental patient and may kill him or suicide as I said once.f) Since last three months he is so close to his family. (Even though they are also in Dubai, he was not keeping constant contact with them because they were compelling him to divorce me.) I told him that I fear in such a close relationship with them because they told directly to me in front of him that their son is in the hold of a prostetute. After hearing this also he shared most of his time with them so happily leaving me and my daughter in our flat alone and started avoiding even our basic needs. I don't think that the fear I shared with him in this situation is not a guilt from my side. Now he says I was seperating him from his girl friends first and now started seperating him from his parents and siblings also. A lady cannot accept if someone calls her a prostetute and her husband trying to make them happy ignoring the wife's needs and feelings. (Before all these incidents I was the person who was compelling him for not to avoid his parents and also after a long break, I made a chance for him to meet his parents considering his missing of his mom. But now such of my humanly activities returned as a boomerang against me.)I don't need a divorce from him. I know that even though my husband has some drawbacks, he is so loving and caring. There are no such persons who are completely perfect. I am ready to adjust with all his demands. Also now I am facing the vulgur verbal harrassments spreaded by my in-laws and ex-husband. Due to the gaps in my profession and over-age, I feel difficult to find a good job also. My husband does not support me financially for our expenses also. Now I seek support from my family for my daughter's education, etc. As there are lot of gossips against me in our homeland spreaded by my in-laws, my family also does not like to support me. But they still help considering my daughter and asks me to leave the place as soon as possible to save them from such disgrace. At the same time my ex-husband again comes asking the custody of child. We had to attend court many times after coming back to India and it has affected my daughter mentally a lot. Now she behaves as arrogant always and not able study well. (She was a child who gets A+ in all subjects and now she gets marks like 0,1, 2, etc. She threatens that if her biological father gets her custody atleast for one day, she will suicide. She asks me to save her from the situation of meeting her father often in court and take her back to her step-father whom she loves a lot. But the court procedure goes on without coming into any conclusion and I'm helpless to support her.)So please help me to escape from the forced divorce and to get back my husband considering the rights of a woman and a child. I believe we have the right to live peacefully without mental harrassment from the family, in-laws, husband and society. Also I believe if I get back my husband, we can again live happily as he is not such a cruel man. The society and our family also will zip up their lips. This is important for the mental and social relatonship development of my growing daughter also.I sent mails to human rights organizations in Kerala and India but did not get any reply. Please provide me advice and support. Also please consider my feeling that I don't want to reveal my problems in pulic.Hoping a favourable response from you.with regardsZephyr
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